Today`s post isn't going to be the easiest for me to talk about, in fact its going to be very hard to share these personal moments from my life. Why, you may ask, am I making the choice to share? Because, for so long I've hidden in the shadows, filling my self with hate, pity, disgust and tormenting my soul that I wasn't good enough to be healthy and happy with my body. Because, I have broken those awful chains and hope that maybe someday, my story can help someone step into the sun and let go of baggage, self hate and depression that they may be holding on to.
I had to learn how to first open my heart up and let Jesus love me, without trying to limit Him. So So SO not easy when you've been caught up in a selfish cycle of hating yourself!
and then through so much grace, slowly learn (still learning) how to love myself enough to take care of what I've been blessed with.
I'll start with my back story, and share my journey so far (for it is far from over) and include a few things that helped me and motivated/inspired me to make a very needed change.
Age 9 : I started my weight struggles at such a very young age and have never once in my life been healthy, at nine years old i remember being uncomfortable around other girls my age because i felt huge next to them. I wasn't in fact I was simply a little bit chubby, but in my young mind I was convinced I was ugly and no one would like the chubby girl. So, I became shy, quiet and kept to myself most of the time.
Age 13 : I got taller, evened out a bit and got some majorly womanly curves at the ripe old age of 12 1/2- 13so I was in much better spirits, even though I wasn't considered tiny I at least had a woman's body and didn't feel huge up near other girls. You think I'd be happy right? wrong, I still was uneasy around girls with the perfect body because I was what you would call soft and slightly squishy ( I've always had a belly due to poor eating choices) and was beginning to see my lower belly.
Age 16-17: I weighed 150-158 and looked good (not skinny but thinned out for once)! I felt good about myself I was more confident and outgoing and no-one could really see my stomach because I got good at sucking it in and hiding it with my skirt or pant. I wish I could have held on to that time in my life and just made my change then! 90% of my hurt and hate wouldn't have existed, and I would have started my adult life a healthy well balanced person. But, I didn't know any better and continued with my bad eating habits and lazy personality.
Age : 18-19: The weight gain was so quick (178-190) I didn't take time to think or change, just pull back into my shell and try to eat my feelings away and lay on my bed as soon as I got home from work. You'd think that having the most amazing boyfriend in the world would make me get up and get moving. But, instead, I told myself he couldn't possibly love me, when I couldn't even love myself. I almost lost the most precious thing to me, because I was so consumed by this dark cloud hanging over my head. And I filled my days with hating myself and being bitter because I was fat and didn't think I was worth anything at all.
Age 20-21: I've tried every fad diet and quick fix out there, only to have the weight come back with a vengeance. I did a month challenge with my parents and got myself down to 175 I was so proud and ecstatic, but, because it was just another quick fix for me ( i had trouble committing to change or for longer than a week or two) the weight came back and I weighed in at 193 on my wedding day (the pictures I've wanted to burn, but now choose to see them as part of my story). I truly I became pregnant a few months later and was so sick my weight went down to 180 and that's where I started my pregnancy journey. I didn't eat healthy, didn't think twice about exercising about weighed in at 198 when I had Oorah princess. Over this time I let my self hate and depression run rampage through my life, I was less than sweet to my husband (that darling man, is so full of grace and forgiveness and patience) ( I don't know where I would be today without the grace of God and my personal blessing Mr Oorah Love) and didn't give myself a fighting chance for when I was post baby. I fell into PPD really bad, it affected my health, well being and my poor family suffered because of my lack of being there, I was always right there, just a million miles away in my mind.... Feeling like I needed a change I started walking and trying to eat a healthy meal a day. and I slowly got myself to 183 but it didn't last! UNBELIEVABLE RIGHT? I'll tell you why though, because I was doing it for the wring reasons and didn't commit to a change.
It's so very sad to see this vicious cycle again and again. But, then, one day I made a change, and this time it stuck, because I changed my heart first! Here is where it started.
First I had to see that what I was doing was wrong!
Then I had to Forgive myself and let God have a hold of my heart and let Him love me, and teach my how to love myself and the body He has given me. Enough to take care of me, enough to set an example for my kid(s) and also be a better wife to my husband. I had to change in order to be a better wife and mom. and my heart did change.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
1 Corinthians 10:31
Enter the present! last few months of 21- first few of 22 : Ashamed and self hate? NO MORE WHY?! because, God loved me enough to send His own son for me, so I can learn how to love myself enough to be happy healthy and active!!!! Instead I am, Loving myself enough to make healthier choices and focusing on the daily positives!
Lazy and always in bed? not anymore! instead, fully committed to a workout challenge and daily exercise on my own time. Time spent playing with baby, working on projects, keeping my house neat and tidy, and prepping our home for dinners and evenings spent as a family. I started my change four months ago at 198.6 almost 200lbs) I looked in the mirror and decided that I deserved to be happy, my body deserved to be healthy, my husband deserved a joyful, loving wife, my baby deserved an attentive and active mother! So I started small, I made changes in my diet and counted calories. I found my self a good routine to follow and added my own exercise to top it off. The difference is mind blowing to me. I'm nowhere near where I'm headed, but I am learning to love the journey. I weighed in this morning at 174.8 and have lost over 30 inches all over. Not quite to my halfway goal and there have been a few plateaus, but I'm not giving up! I am pressing forward and continuing on. I am more fit and healthy than I have ever been in my life. I started with a 15 min mile and have cut that down to 9 1/2 mins. I started with 1.lb weights and have worked my way up to 10lbs. I can hold 3, 1min planks and can see a huge change in my body. I am mentally and physically strong. I have dreams and goals. I know I will one day reach!
Our fridge is no longer filled with garbage, but, with healthy food. We don't starve or deprive our bodies, we chose instead to balance.! It's OK to have ice cream! it's OK to have a day off. but never ever ever give up!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and hope in some way you, yes you, can take this and start your own change!